Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.