I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.