I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

God created man, but I could do better.

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.