When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.