When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase.

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.