When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

I'm on a diet as my skin doesn't fit me anymore.

For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.