I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

The fact was I didn't want to look my age, but I didn't want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.