I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.