There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

I don't think women outlive men, Doctor. It only seems longer.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.