I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

One meal a day is enough for a lion and would be for all of us if all we did all day was swat flies.

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?