I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don't necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I'd be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can't have everything.

The family. We are a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms. . . and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.