The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

What makes people laugh? . . . It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.