The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Know the difference between success and fame. Success is Mother Teresa. Fame is Madonna.

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.