A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.