A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

To my way of thinking, the American family started to decline when parents began to communicate with their children.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.