Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.