For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

She's as funny as a toothache

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.