The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.