The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

If anyone knew where they were, I'd send the ISDBB (Incredibly Stupid and Dumb Beyond Belief) award to the two guys who tried to break in to the Ohio penitentiary.

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.