When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.