Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.