Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.

It is difficult to single out one sport over another, but if I have to name one in my separation suit, it will undoubtedly be football.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.