I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up into a sink shaped like a seashell.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.