My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.