Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

I am always behind the shopper at the grocery store who has stitched her coupons in the lining of her coat and wants to talk about a 'strong' chicken she bought two weeks ago. The register tape also runs out just before her sub-total. In the public restroom, I always stand behind the teen-ager who is changing into her band uniform for a parade and doesn't emerge until she has combed the tassels on her boots, shaved her legs, and recovered her contact lens from the commode.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.