Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.