Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child. ... Time, self-pity, apathy, bitterness, and exhaustion can take the Christmas out of the child, but you cannot take the child out of Christmas.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.