Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn't charge more after midnight - or anything before midnight.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.