My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

No baby shall at any time be quartered in a house where there are no soft laps, no laughter, or no love.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am.