Cats invented self-esteem.

Crocodiles have a smile I've seen on the face of every lawyer I've ever met.

When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

Parenting is a negative thing. Keep your children from killing themselves, or anyone else, and hope for the best.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.