Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.

Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.

I became hysterical and frightened and begged for sedation. And that was just the first prenatal visit.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.