Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.

When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.

After age twelve, birthdays should be as private as hernia surgery.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.