Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Let me put it this way. According to my girth, I should be a ninety-foot redwood.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

Cats invented self-esteem.

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.