A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have to last a lifetime and must be conserved.

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

I have seen my kid struggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory: an empty gin bottle.