Last year I gave seventy-four phone hours to soliciting baked goods for the Bake-A-Rama. I was named Top Call Girl by the League.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

She's as funny as a toothache

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

... it's simply wrong to always order [kids] to stop that fighting. There are times when one child is simply defending his rights and damned well should be fighting.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.