Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.

Most children's first words are 'Mama' or 'Daddy.' Mine were, 'Do I have to use my own money?'

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.