She's as funny as a toothache

Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store information. They remember who had to do the dishes the last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the TV set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog when he wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots the last time it snowed.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?

My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.

Poached eggs are good, poached animals are not.

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.