She's as funny as a toothache

A child develops individuality long before he develops taste.

I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.

God created man, but I could do better.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?