A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)

If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.