Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

There was a time when the respect and trust my children had for me would have made you sick to your stomach. They believed I could blow on a red traffic light and turn it green.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.