One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

She's as funny as a toothache

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen Three. It takes one to say What light and two more to say I didn't turn it on.