One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

When humor go's, there go's civilization.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.