I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

Cats invented self-esteem; there is not an insecure bone in their body.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.