I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

the ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

I have just come up with a wonderful solution to end all wars. Let me give directions on how to get there.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.