I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Phrases and their actual meanings: My teacher has never liked me. Expect a phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then removing the lid quickly.

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.