I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

Most mothers entering the labor market outside the home are naive. They stagger home each evening, holding mail in their teeth, the cleaning over their arm, a lamb chop defrosting under each armpit, balancing two gallons of frozen milk between their knees, and expect one of the kids to get the door.

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.