Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.