The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It's absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view.