School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.