A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.