A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?