In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.