In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?