I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.