Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.