Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.