Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.