It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.