It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Try not to wake up on fire.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.