It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.