It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.