It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.