It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).