Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Eugene MirmanWhat I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.
Eugene MirmanImagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
Eugene MirmanIn America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.
Eugene MirmanI don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.
Eugene MirmanProm night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.
Eugene Mirman