I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.
Eugene MirmanBoys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
Eugene MirmanYou know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?
Eugene MirmanA comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).
Eugene MirmanI saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'
Eugene Mirman