I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.