I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.