You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.