Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.