Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

Try not to wake up on fire.

I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.