Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.