Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

You know how sometimes when you're drunk you say something you sort of regret... to Ace Frehley?

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, yeah, that's not really comedy.