If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.

Try not to wake up on fire.

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

Don't throw a baby at anything - even a burglar.

I'm fascinated by the logic that leads to something.

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.