I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead 4.In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5.Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

Try not to wake up on fire.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.