I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your neighborhood and opening Thai restaurants, that's a poor neighborhood.

It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is - he's the reason you all live underground.