What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It's just us flexing our Semitic muscles.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

It's important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it's my job, right before I leave, to go, "Don't forget: You're going through a divorce and there's a recession." It's always good to end on a pensive note.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

You are an alchemist who can turn six beers into an awkward three week relationship.