What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.